Wednesday, November 09, 2005

More Than I Bargained For

I didn't feel like quilting today. Or writing. Or drawing. Or anything.

Today I barely made it to my car after work before breaking down in tears--which concerned my husband as I'm not a crying type. Everyday I go to a job that makes me feel horrible about myself. I took this admin job as a temp almost 2 years ago now because I needed to and I was a little desperate for a job. I made it clear when I accepted it that I was a writer and that was what was important to me. I didn't mean to still be there. I figured it was an easy way to get paid regularly every two weeks and have benefits. I was wrong.

I hate prepping for meetings. I don't drink coffee and the smell of making it makes me gag. I've never complained about the embarassing hole-in-the-wall space I was given to work in. Even cubicles have more room. I make my boss' life easier by my work, but it's not him. He's a really great boss. It's the supervisor woman I work under. Every day I absolutely dread going in, expecting some snarky comment or petty humiliation. Maybe it's mental now, but I actually become sick beforehand and drag in the mornings, reluctant to face the day. I'm not proud of it, but I run late because of it. I do great work despite and my boss gave me a promotion, but the supervisor has made it clear to me that she views it as a "title only". I have sent out my resume left and right with no result. I really don't know what else to do and feel trapped.

Sorry to vent here, but it's so sad to go into the office and be surrounded by so many talented, well-educated folks whose faces barely hide their misery and know that I'm one of them.

10 comments:

Karoda said...

Elle, I can speak to this feeling from a deep and intense space within...but there just isn't enough space here to do so...what I will tell ya is to stay too long in that emotional space will take you down and again, not enough space here to articulate what I mean by down.

You are very talented and gifted which I believe makes it harder to find one's space and tribe...but never give up or stop believing. I'm sending you good vibes and prayers for finding your space soon!

Deborah said...

Oh Elle, I'm so sorry. I hate this for you. Keep looking -- I suspect new opportunities are going to present themselves in ways you might not expect.

Deb R said...

(((((((((Elle)))))))))
You're an amazing woman and you deserve much, MUCH better than what you're describing. I'll be hoping that something better comes along SOON.

mary m. said...

Elle,

I, too, know exactly how you feel. There are toxic people out there who are basically very unhappy with themselves and need to take it out on others.

Actually, they are more to be pitied than scorned, but that's impossible to do when they are inflicting their pain onto you.

You are doing the right thing to look elsewhere...take care of yourself....this will be over soon. I, too am sending you my prayers, good thoughts and white light. For the time being, surround yourself in it.

jenclair said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, and as usual, it makes me sad that one person can have such a detrimental effect on others. Notice though, the "good vibes and prayers" "good thoughts and white light" that are being sent your way - try to channel that to keep this woman's influence at bay until you resolve your situation. And does your boss realize the negative influence she is having on his employees and their work place? Remember the benefits of Chi Gung, so useful in combating stress.

Lissy said...

I know where you are because I've been there. I've learned that life is often about timing; the problem is it is never “our” timing...hold tight! We all know you'll get through it, believe.

Frances said...

Elle, so so sorry you are living this, she sounds like a cousin of 'that horrid' tutor I had at college, I remeber well your good e mail the morning I was dreading going back to college, I survived her and you will survive too, these people are unhappy people, I pray something better will come along for you, you are a great person, hugs Frances,

Nikki said...

Oh Elle, just yesterday I finally burned an ugly letter my former employer had given me about my "attitude problem". It took me a lot longer than I thought it would to find a new job and I felt that same despair.

Keep your chin up and keep looking. You are a beautiful and talented person and you WILL find something better.

teri springer said...

Well, it isn't very original....but, honey, you HAVE to get out of there! I don't care if it means living on one salary for a while or taking a lower paying job but the only thing worse than a job like this is a marriage like this......

teri

PaMdora said...

I hope you can find something better. No job is worth that kind of misery. Hang in there and keep looking!